How To Knit A Sweater
- Decide arbitrarily one day that you want to learn how to knit.
- Buy supplies and spend a lot of time being very confused, watching many instructional YouTube videos late into the night, holding needles and yarn and mostly succeeding in making knots.
- Finally knit 1/12 of a shitty scarf and then give up.
- A year later, become abruptly overcome with the sudden desire to knit again.
- Watch more YouTube videos and read some blogs about cast-ons, purling through the back loop, felting, right leaning double decreases, armhole shaping, turning the heel, picking up dropped stitches, weaving in ends and other things you never knew about.
- Spend half your paycheck on yarn.
- Make things like scarves and hats and socks.
- Make things like scarves and hats and socks that are actually nice enough to wear in public.
- Decide that you’re going to do something ambitious and crazy, decide that you’re going to make a Real Sweater!
- Decide that you’re going to make a Real Sweater with an insane lace panel in the middle, and later regret this decision deeply.
- Knit the Sweater while watching Game of Thrones on your bed.
- Knit the Sweater at five or six of your local coffeeshops on the weekends.
- Knit the Sweater on the subway during your daily commute for a few months.
- Knit the Sweater while listening to Welcome to Night Vale.
- Knit the Sweater drunk on a bus in Brooklyn.
- Knit the Sweater on a blanket at Prospect Park with different boys that float in and out of your life.
- Stop knitting the Sweater when it’s 95 degrees out and you can’t bear the feeling of warm wool on your skin.
- When the weather drops, knit some other things because you’re tired of knitting the Sweater and you can’t look at the stupid orange color anymore.
- Begrudgingly pick up the Sweater again. To your surprise, you are almost done.
- Get stuck on what is essentially the last step and throw the stupid Sweater into a corner in frustration.
- Realize your dumb mistake two weeks later and become unstuck.
- Accidentally seam the shoulders inside out. Say “fuck it” and keep going.
- Finish the Sweater.
- Put on the Sweater.
- Marvel at the fact that in spite of a little unevenness, a comically bad fuck-up in the lace, inside-out shoulder seams and other general wonkiness, you made something stitch by stitch over the course of a long period of time with not much more than some wool, needles, your brain and your hands. Feel the soft weight of your creation on your shoulders and feel satisfied that you made something a little more soulful than what the robots spit out in the Urban Outfitters factories across the sea.
- Reflect on the fact that you’re a slightly different person now than you were when you began the Sweater—your hair is long, you’re newly psychologically destroyed by bed bugs, your biceps are more defined and you’re a step closer to death. Feel like crying a little bit, but don’t.
- Realize that everything you know you learned naked in your room, alone on the internet.
Congratulations, you have knit a Sweater!
How to Knit a Sweater 101